Where is the sexual energy in San Francisco? I am frustrated. I have recently come back from Rio, which is perhaps the sexiest place on the planet, and now I feel like I am living in a sexless universe. I am not talking about hoochie mamas dressed like Janet Jackson at the SuperBowl or random hookups or even on-the-street-make-out-sessions, though those are nice and there are plenty of those to see while you drive around Rio. I am talking about a sexual energy crisis.
We are in a sexual energy crisis. It’s not global warming, it’s global cooling. I don’t know about the rest of the states or the rest of the Western, industrialized world. You tell me. Is it so sexless in Spain or Holland or Germany? Have I been trapped at too many tech mixers filled with semi-autistic engineers? Too many Obama fundraisers where the boys will discuss political blogs but would never, ever look at you in the eye for a little more than four seconds? Sometimes I get a chuckle at the unsexy feeling of this city, and think to myself, the sexiest feelings I get are at the dance studio, when we, a group of fifty women and five men in yoga pants do pelvic lifts on our black plastic mats. We raise our hips up to the ceiling in unison, and I feel something in my body. And I wonder, is this as good as it gets?
I am feeling passionate about the lack of passion here after this Halloween, the “sexiest” holiday of the year. I went to three parties. I was wearing a dress that my female friends told me looked h-o-t. My roommate told me someone would want to have sex with my back. But the big nothing. Zero energy. Zero lusty looks. Zero flirtation. This would have been the case in Rio. Comparing Rio to San Francisco is making me annoyed. In San Francisco, I feel like all the sexual energy is bottled up in the Internet on casual encounter ads.
What do I want, exactly? Not leering. I am not looking for catcalls, obscenities or random sex. What I seek is subtle. Eye contact. With a charge. Flirtation. Eyes allow us to see each other, to acknowledge each other’s presence. Your eyes might travel up and down someone’s body, and yes, there can be something sexy about eye lingering, but it’s also about that moment of charged recognition of contact–eye to eye: We are seeing each other.
What’s even sexier, too, is the ability to strike up a conversation easily. I don’t know why talking to someone of the opposite sex–to whom you are also attracted–seems like such a miracle in San Francisco. A press release must be issued! A man and a woman made contact on the dance floor! In Brazil, this seemed so easy, a simple equation–if you go out, you will probably meet someone, and he or she may not be the love of your life, but you might flirt, dance, make out, exchange phone numbers.
Are these just the wailings of a single woman who finds it hard to get a date? Well, my own dating frustration does periodically reach crisis level, and so does many others’. But public sexual energy is not just for single people. Sexual energy matters for everyone. It’s a vital lifeforce. Sexual energy makes the world go around. It’s fuel for people to feel alive. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere. Do I want us to feel like we are animals? In a sense, yes, that we are bodies as well as minds.
It seems ironic that I find San Francisco so unsexy right now. Wasn’t this supposed to be a city full of swinging men and women? Armistead Maupin immortalized San Francisco’s sexual charge in the 1970s in his Tales of the City series, where young men and women would pick each other up in the Safeway Marina. That must be where I got the idea that couples met in the produce aisle.
What happened to make this city’s sexual energy cool? Did men lose their confidence as women gained theirs? Did the AIDS crisis make overtness sexiness unfashionable? Did the Internet suck the courage out of everyone, now that they can write a laundry list of what they want and post it, screening the replies that pour in? What do people feel passionate about here, anyway? Recycling, skiing, coding?
What am I asking for? It’s subtle but simple. We can solve the sexual energy crisis with simple everyday actions that are no more difficult than recycling, and that are actually more fun. It boils down to confident eye contact and an easy conversational approach. Dancing. Generosity of spirit and care, concern. And a smile.
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donte says:
well, are you doing the things that you’re hoping to get from everyone else? i don’t know you, but if you aren’t giving off any of this sexual energy yourself, then why would you expect to receive it? i too run in tech circles, but that doesn’t mean that every situation _has_ to be completely neutered, just that it’s predisposed to being that way.
and comparing yourself on vacation to where you are at home is likely to always be a losing proposition. grass is greener and all of that. it’s on you to bring some of that vacation mindset back with you.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:03 am
David Eastman says:
You’re right! Sexual energy, or lack thereof, is at the crisis level. Here in Chicago t may even be worse than San Francisco, except in the summer in the bleachers at Wrigley Field. With winter coming on, the crisis will reach epic proportions. Everyone will be hunkered down and bundled up to look like the Michelin Man. Definitely no dancing in the streets once the Obama victory party is over.
Your solutions are simple, elegant, and spot-on, though. The old saw that “the eyes are the windows of the soul” still applies. Maybe people don’t look in each others eyes for long because they don’t feel they have a sexy soul!
So you do your part in SF, ‘ll do my part in Chicago, and others will dance and smile and talk easily and flirt slyly in cities all around the good ole US of A, and we will take a large sexy step towards Rio-fying our life-leeching culture!
November 4th, 2008 at 6:03 am
admin says:
donte–good point about vacation vs. real life. i think that’s true. we’re always more open when we are on vacation. BUT it takes two to tango, and it’s undeniable that the energy is lacking here. step into a cafe and everyone is staring into their laptops. i can be as guilty as others, of course, but i also try to be open and friendly and i am known among my friends for often talking to strangers. it has to be a group effort though. . . otherwise it’s like playing tennis by yourself.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
jeff from bloomington says:
Nicely said and I DO agree with the comments about being on vacation and just putting the vibe out there, which I’m sure you know is more than just putting on a h-o-t outfit. I agree too that people are WAY to sucked into the web and having a hard time “being here now”.
Those lovers among us just have to stay in love each moment. I’ll let you in on a secret…Things are very hot and loving in Bloomington Indiana
November 6th, 2008 at 5:05 am
Tamera says:
It’s the same in DC, but we are known for being conservative, not so in SF.
I think technology has short-circuited human social abilities. Email and text has replaced human voice and removed the need to speak face to face. Connection is represented by the word “SENT” or an emoticon.
Yes, I’m equally frustrated! My friend and I started a company out of our frustration. We decided we needed something to help guys approach us. We needed a conversation starter to break the ice! So, we started with a women’s line of tshirts with clever messages that let a guy know we are 1)available and 2) approachable. And, they WORK! Women love them and the men THANK us. I hope you will check out our site (www.singletease.com).
Here’s to SF becoming sexually-energized!
November 23rd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Kelly says:
Yes! I feel your pain in LA too! The only man I’ve connected with in 8 years is my married chiropractor. How sad is that?!
November 29th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Sidney says:
You sound as though you are experiencing decompression
of having returned from an apparently jovial vacation. Also, I
doubt that there are many area of the country where the men
and women are dancing about — on pointe — in their community
Wall-Mark (sic). The current recession has put a damper on
far too many lives this season. Personally, I have always found
SF emotionallly flat with a lot of people pretending otherwise.
December 4th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Dan says:
Well, SF once was hot. Then recently you guys defeated Prop K. Not what we expected from the neighborhoods around once cool Haight Ashbury… Really, throwing people into prison for being overtly sexual… and, worse, legitimizing entrapment. Not cool at all. So the chastity belt stays on until you reconsider… and legalize a good time for all - the way SF once was and should always be. For now, no flirting. I need my job and you might be a cop.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:57 pm