Quirkyalone: It’s a mindset

17 Responses to “Ma’am vs. Miss”

1. 

   Christina
   

   Dec 02, 2008

   It’s definitely a factor of age - I can remember quite clearly the first time anyone called me “ma’am,” a girl younger than myself behind a counter. It was unnerving at first, but like yourself, I’ve gotten used to it over time. And I do believe it’s a term of respect, the girl equivalent of “sir.”

   And speaking of “girl,” it’s actually the only term that DOESN’T offend me, because it’s the only term that isn’t male-derived. I’m not a woman (wombed man), nor am I a female (feminine male), I’m a Gyno-American, damnit, and I want respect! Girl is as close as has ever happened to an us-specific term, and I embrace it. I also refuse to call boys anything but boys, in large part because I haven’t met too many real “men” in my life, just boys who got bigger.

   Until they come up with terms for the two genders that aren’t rude or derivative, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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2. 

   Rebecca
   

   Dec 02, 2008

   I totally relate to this issue, and I am ten years older than you, Sasha. I first was called “ma’am” shortly after getting married at age 32. I gained a lot of weight while married, during which time everyone seemed to call me “ma’am.” Fascinatingly, when my marriage ended, almost instantaneously everyone started calling me “miss” again. I was stunned. There is no way folks were checking out my ring finger before addressing me at the cash register! I lost the gained weight through the divorce, and continued to be called “miss” even though I was now nearly a decade older. Lately, I’ve noticed a trend toward “ma’am” again, and am uncertain whether this is due to inevitable aging (though everyone still says I quite young), or a regaining of some weight. My hunch is that it is due to a combination of these, and that together they affect my energy and the vibe I put out there. All of this experience has been in the Northeast, so I don’t think it’s just a regional thing. Overseas, I’ve always found folks likely to say the more formal (and less age-related) “madam” — which is really the equivalent of “sir” — “Miss” is generally addressed to female minors only.

   My hunch is that either there’s something you’re putting out there that is perceived as more “adult” (maybe related to the “sexual energy crisis”?) - OR — these service workers are getting younger and younger and think anyone who looks over 24 is a fogey!

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3. 

   Cinda
   

   Dec 05, 2008

   Someone needed to address this and this is the first time I’ve seen it done! kudos to you miss madam. Keep the Faith.

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4. 

   Onely
   

   Dec 25, 2008

   I’ve been getting the ma’am–I think it was when I started wearing my glasses full-time. Sigh. It kind of irks me.

   However, I seem to remember being ma’amed even when I was very young, and looked it. I think that people tend to be afraid of “miss” because they don’t want to sound patronizing, and “ms” sounds very close to “miss.” They therefore go for “Ma’am” because you’re right, there really is no other good alternative.

   When I buy my latte, I’d like them to say “Will that be skim, whole, or two percent, Oh Esteemed Goddess?” but that hasn’t happened yet. Maybe if I take off my glasses.

   Thanks for addressing the topic. –Christina

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   • 

     Deborah Hymes
     

     Aug 19, 2009

     I love it! “Oh Esteemed Goddess” is the best by far!

     I’ll also take “Oh Brilliant One” and “She Who Walks in Beauty.”

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5. 

   John
   

   Jan 01, 2009

   I felt a similar reaction the first time I was called “Sir” though I immediately changed my view of it and dropped the offense. Though I am a male and we may think differently, but a gay male, of course it is about age and we need to be thankful that we are aging as if we stop aging we are dead…so please call me “Sir”…and it’s all about perception anyway…you can make it anything u want it to be…higher consciousness for me.

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6. 

   Lisa
   

   Jan 01, 2009

   Being called “ma’am” never bothers me; I interpret it as a term of respect or appreciation for your business. I do get annoyed when called “Mrs”, especially when addressed by someone from a company I’ve done repeated business with. Even if the person doesn’t know there’s no husband on my account, I’d prefer they opt for generic ma’am or Ms. Instead, they figure the most polite choice for a woman of a certain age is Mrs. I quickly correct them with “Miss” because that’s what I am. With so many always-single women in the U.S., Miss cannot be a title reserved for minors.

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7. 

   Tracy
   

   Jun 23, 2009

   I get highly offended when I am called “ma’am,” and immediately correct the wrongdoer by responding “It’s miss.” “Ma’am” is a contraction of “madam,” which is a married woman. I am not a madam (of any sort). I still get called “miss,” and LOVE being referred to as a girl. I’m 47, BTW.

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8. 

   Rena
   

   Jul 29, 2009

   I’m thirty, and I find “ma’am” very unnerving. “Miss” means a cute young thing. “Ma’am” means a stodgy, unattractive, older woman. I actually feel hurt when people say “ma’am”.

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9. 

   Lili
   

   Aug 18, 2009

   I don’t understand why everyone thinks “ma’am” is meant to mean older women. In the customer service business, we are required to address all female customers as ma’am and male customers as sir. Also, in the south, everyone calls everyone else ma’am and sir. I was shocked when my friend called her mom and dad ma’am and sir, but when I found out it was a cultural thing, I understood it, though it was still weird. I’ve never addressed my mom as anything but mom (unless I was really angry at her when I was a teenager, I called her by her first name). I found this article because I received a call from a customer yesterday who went off on me when I answered her question with “yes ma’am” which is how I have answered every woman in the 5+ years I have been with my company. She verbally eviscerated me! I am here to tell you that is not okay. In the customer service profession, we are trained to address every customer in this way, regardless of age. I have spoken with girls that sounded 5 years old translating for their mothers who couldn’t speak English, and I still called them ma’am. It has nothing to do with age, it is the customary way to address a female. My husband is a manager of a restaurant, and ever since he started as a server at that restaurant, he has been required to use the same forms of address. By the way, ma’am is a contraction for madam, which is a derivative of the French “madame” therefore it is the formal way to address a woman in the US. Not to mention that the military requires women to be addressed as ma’am, and men to be addressed as sir. Any of you on here whining about being called ma’am are as crazy as Senator Boxer. And any of you who would make a customer service professional cry because she addressed you as ma’am should be institutionalized.

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   • 

     Deborah Hymes
     

     Aug 19, 2009

     You make some great points, I think.

     I grew up in the south, and ma’am was always a term of respect, even to very young females. When I was in high school, I learned in French class that all women are addressed as “madame” once they’re no longer young girls. I felt “ma’am” was something to aspire to, an acknowledgment that I was deserving of more respect than is typically granted to a child.

     Interesting . . .

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10. 

    Erika
    

    Aug 18, 2009

    I get unnerved by ma’am too. But when I think about it, what other polite options does one have to refer to me? I too have been told I look quite young.

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11. 

    Deborah Hymes
    

    Aug 19, 2009

    I remember the first time I got “ma’am-ed” — I must have been about 4 years old, and I was delighted. I actually thought, “Well finally I’m getting some respect around here!”

    It’s actually never bothered me. I also remember, as a teenager, finding it a little unnerving when older women referred to themselves and each other as “girls.” I couldn’t wait to stop being an apprentice-woman and become a full-fledged one! Couldn’t understand why anyone would want to stay a “girl.”

    Writing this, I’m realizing that I guess I’ve always just regarded the ma’am thing as being about having power over my own destiny in the world. I guess it’s never felt age-related to me, and still doesn’t.

    I admit that this is a little weird . . .

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    • 

      emily
      

      Sep 17, 2009

      Deborah, that is the smartest and most wonderful response I have heard from this popular question. It really embraces the values of womanhood and adds dignity to be strong and not debase ourselves with crazy expectations of eternal youth that people seem to be obsessed with these days. Womanhood and respect is are things we must embrace and not fear will make us appear “less attractive”. Well written Deborah*

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12. 

    Sue
    

    Nov 05, 2009

    Thank you Lili! Anyone in customer service should absolutely address female customers as “Ma’am” unless they look 12 or younger. In fact, many 5-star restaurants’ employees call women “Madam”. I am 46 and often have my daughter in tow, and, over the past two years or so in southern California many salespeople have called me “Miss”. I take it as extremely disrespectful and correct them immediately. Many a shoe salesman has lost a commission as a result. I hear them calling male customers ‘Sir”; why can’t they call me “Ma’am”?

    BTW, according to 2009 Webster, ma’am is “used without a name as a form of respectful and polite address to a woman.” It does not even specify married woman.

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13. 

    Dan
    

    Nov 27, 2009

    Very fine remarks by all.
    Especially the first or second one.
    Why must women play second banana
    to men.
    I’m sorry for this.
    It runs deeper than we know.
    Why no name for women???
    She said ‘woman’ comes from ‘man with a womb’!!!
    Can you believe that ???

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14. 

    Sue
    

    Dec 14, 2009

    I’m most likely to be addressed as Ma’am by men who are twice my age. During this past week I was addressed twice by men in their sixties as ma’am. I find it to be sexist for one principle reason. We don’t differentiate men by age - it would be rude if I called them “Old Sir” or “Old Man” even though I’m half their age, yet we distinguish women by age.

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