Do Single Mothers Have to Be Nuns?
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Feb 08, 2009 - Written by Sasha Cagen | Filed under: Parenting
I always thought it was possible for a single mother to date, and even, hey, get laid, but after reading the recent New York Times Magazine story “2 Kids + 0 Husband = Family,” I started to get scared. (Not that I’m a single mother, but hey, it could happen.)
The article documents a “trend” of college-educated single mothers by choice having a “second child as the path to normalcy” rather than looking for a husband. Of course, one always wonders how deep these trends go. But the article does cite research that second births to unmarried college-educated women have increased sevenfold since 1980.
The author describes very mainstream women in high-waisted jeans in places like suburban New Jersey and Pennsylvania forming all-female communities of single mothers and children. Their communities all sound wonderfully Kate and Allie, except, how do I say this? It sounds so self-sacrificial. The (presumably heterosexual) women interviewed sound like nuns, only raising children is their religion. They’ve either lost interest in men, don’t have time or energy, or don’t want the stability of their lives to be upset by breakups.
This piece made me and another single woman friend in her thirties feel like if we have a child on our own, that’s it. Game over. Single mom quirkyalones, do single mothers really have to be nuns until their children are 18? Please share.
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5 Responses to “Do Single Mothers Have to Be Nuns?”
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Are you a quirkyalone?
Quirkyalone: n. adj. a person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and prefers being single to dating for the sake of dating. It’s a mindset. Quirkyalone is not anti-love. It is pro-love. It is not anti-dating. It is anti-compulsory dating. Quirkyalone is a book, a holiday, and a movement. Are you a quirkyalone? Take the quiz and read the original essay to find out.
Just for fun
single mom seeking
Feb 08, 2009
Oh, dear, Sasha, you know what I’m going to say in reply to this one!
It IS possible to be a great parent… and have a great sex life. It takes a lot of planning, but I’m here to say that you don’t have to become a single mom nun (good one!).
Here’s something I wrote recently about just that:
http://www.singlemommyhood.com/2008/12/your-kids-get-all-the-love-and-attention-but-how-about-you/
chai_girl
Feb 10, 2009
I’ve been a single mom for going on 7 years now. I wouldn’t call me a nun but my sex life isn’t as active as I would wish. It is difficult to relax and enjoy yourself when you are ticking away $6 an hour for a babysitter. I find myself looking at a guy and wondering if he is “babysitter worthy” before he even asks me out!
I’m still getting out there but I don’t consider myself on the market. I like the Quirky Alone thing because that is really how I feel. Finding a good mate for just me is difficult. Finding a good mate for me and my daughter, that is next to impossible.
I’m happy having a good group of friends, male and female, that I can hang out with and have fun with. When I manage to find someone that I want to have sex with, that is great but not the goal.
Ulaa
Feb 10, 2009
I am single mother…by choice. I have a son and I don’t think he would be proud one day to say his mother was loved by no man. He would like to see me fresh, vibrant youthful and happy. However, intimacy that includes sex and on the other hand sex alone,these are to different things. Beware of the second if you are single mother and want confident, successful child.
I wish you to be happy.
Single Parent
Mar 23, 2010
Reading this made me feel smarter,better informed.Great post!
Single Mom In CA
Apr 05, 2011
Single Mom from CA checking in here, nearly two years after the article was written! No, you don’t have to be a nun, but you do need to be careful. Like any other relationship, there needs to be rules and boundaries, but everything can be achieved.