Quirkyalone

Pumpkin, Squash, and How to Use Your Intuition to Find Love (or a Lover)

Dec 14, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Dating, coaching

Coaching is about learning to tune into what you want, and clearing out the voices that tell you you can’t have it. This session my client didn’t want to talk about her career. That had been the primary focus working together. This time she wanted to talk about finding a new lover. So we switched gears for a session. Everything is connected. What we discover in her approach to looking for a lover could help us understand how she approaches moving forward in her career.

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Old-Fashioned Matchmaking Meets Facebook

Jul 12, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Dating, technology

We’ve all heard success stories of online dating. According to a recent study by Match.com, a sixth of marriages now begin via online dating. If the numbers are so promising, why does online dating feel like an energy suck? As my friend Ario says, “Online dating induces ADD.” With so many people to choose from, online dating encourages a consumer mentality that turns people into products. We are on the hunt for spark. And click, there’s someone hotter, smarter, sexier.

What are the alternatives? I’m partial to the traditional advice. Follow your passions, get out and play: go climbing, go to games night, go on a trip. You are more likely to attract a kindred spirit when you are doing something you love. But let’s say that you’re doing that and it’s not yielding results. What about a little help from your friends?

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Sex and the Single Celiac

Jun 05, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Dating, Sex

Future boyfriends: take note. When we kiss your kisses must be gluten-free. As a newly diagnosed celiac, I am entering into dating terrain that few can imagine. And I am just making sense of it in writing this post.

Celiac is an autoimmune condition triggered by even the most minute amount of gluten. Gluten is a protein found in barley, rye, (most) oats, and wheat. Think bread, and think of a thousand other products. I can’t eat a bread crumb (or a tiny amount of bread, beer, pizza, soy sauce, fake crab, gluten-containing ice cream). Gluten is in an amazing array of products, and the possibility of cross-contamination makes many products unsafe.

Navigating life as a celiac is complicated, especially in the United States where the FDA is three years late issuing even minimal guidelines to manufacturers on safe limits for “gluten-free” products. I’ve blogged about this issue on the Huffington Post. This issue is even trickier when it comes to dating. Guess what? You can get contaminated from kissing someone who has eaten gluten (and that scenario would be quite common on a date, all it takes is a swill of beer!).

Normally we save awkward conversations about “safe sex” to later in the relationship. But for a celiac it’s critical to talk about “safe kissing.”

Most celiacs posting in forums are married or already have committed partners. So they have only one person to educate. But it’s an entirely different situation if you are meeting someone new. I’ve had one date so far where I didn’t spend half the date talking about celiac. The guy went in for a kiss and I had to brush him aside telling him we would have to wait until we had talked about celiac. He was clearly confused. Later I sent some links.

I’ve googled extensively to find out whether celiacs get sick from kissing someone who has consumed gluten, and although research hasn’t been done on the effects of saliva on gluten, the consensus from the field in forums is yes. Kissing is not something I am going to give up, but getting sick is also not OK; for me, it means being a zombie for a week and over time dramatically increasing risks of getting cancer, osteoporosis, and other autoimmune disease.

Here are the most common tips:
*ask your date to brush his or her teeth before kissing you
*ask your date to not consume anything containing gluten for a few hours before kissing
*ask your date to rinse with water before going in for a smooch
*if you’re dating a woman, ask her to wear gluten-free lipstick
*if you’re dating a man, ask him to brush gluten crumbs from his moustache!

Spontaneous, no? Sweet and romantic? Yes. Being celiac and defining your needs means your date has to value you to kiss you.

Here’s looking forward to some passionate gluten-free kisses. Step one in this video is also to brush and floss. And hey, it’s never a bad idea to brush and floss.

The Try Me Report

May 30, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Dating, Single Life

A reader asked for my report on TryMe, a new dating service for frustrated hipsters in San Francisco.

I showed up at Try Me eager to feel the vibe of a new kind of singles’ event. On the plus side, the bar at the Burritt Room was gorgeous. On the negative side, drinks were not free and not cheap. On the plus side again, an organizer introduced me to a cute guy who was fun and genuine and we talked for quite a while. I didn’t have the full, ADD experience of Try Me because I actually spoke to only about five people and two of them for most of the time. Others told me the event had a frenetic feeling as they “tried out” one person after the next.

The organizers announced at one point that we were the “creme de la creme” of the single people in San Francisco. Later I rushed back in the bar because I had forgotten my credit card and the cute bartender asked me if I thought the speech was a little fascist. He said the crowd got more animated after they were told they were the best of the best of single people in San Francisco. I told him that flattery will get you anywhere. We agreed on this point.

Overall I was positive on TryMe just because it was nice to go somewhere where it’s assumed that people are available and interested in dating. In the future I thought that TryMe should drop the marketing message that their invitees are the most desirable single people because it’s a little creepy and snobby and instead just say that everyone was invited for a reason. A few people told me they were stressed out by all the rapid meeting and greeting. To lessen the pressure, I would suggest adding in a few whimsical games. Games can go a long way in creating a fun, less-pressure filled environment.

Antidotes to Online Dating

May 18, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Dating, Events, technology

My sixth sense tells me there is a movement brewing to provide alternatives to online dating. Ways of meeting other human beings live and in the flesh. Imagine that. Of course we can all meet someone in line at the bakery, but somehow, with the spread of online dating, a certain segment of us have become shy.

Here in tech-obsessed San Francisco online dating has become pervasive. But hardly anyone is satisfied. My friend Klover calls it low-stakes dating. People skip from date to date sampling new options from the huge buffet of fabulous profiles out there. The particular passion for another human being gets lost. While people certainly do find their beloveds online, what other options are available?

Tomorrow night I am going to an event called TryMe, which the founders are billing as an antidote to online dating. They’re private events for “San Francisco’s most awesome and unattached.” In the future, they are planning “big mixers, intimate bourbon tastings, cooking classes, book swaps and hiking adventures.” Beth and her co-founder are hand-picking people personally: “everyone is interesting, ambitious, attractive, and has been hand-selected via trusted friends and personal scouting.” Gosh. I hope that people are open-hearted too. I feel like I am going to an elite event, and hope that people aren’t competitive.As I choose my outfit, I’m nervous about being in a fishbowl where everyone is available and expressly looking. And at the same time, that’s one of the things I want; a place where you know that others are available and want to be in a relationship.

Meanwhile my friend J. has taken it on as her personal mission to matchmake for me and a few of her friends. She is hosting a garden matchmaking party at her home and has been going about her daily life looking for quality men to invite. She’s also networking via Facebook asking friends to suggest good guys for the amazing women in her life. She dropped into a bar one night randomly and shared the idea of her matchmaking party and everyone absolutely LOVED it. As we brainstormed for her garden party, we wondered if men would be interested. I never doubted they would but the reaction that night was confirmation. Men don’t ask women out here very often–we feel something and walk away, great to meet you! Everyone needs a push.

Is the solution a little more help from our friends? We are often hesitant to suggest a match for a friend because we don’t want the responsibility. We don’t want to be wrong. Getting set up has a bad rap. But why should it? I don’t care if a friend gets it wrong. I suppose I could take it personally if I don’t like the guy they suggest. But more than anything else I’m just touched that a friend cares and wants to help.

In our busy, busy lives we can feel like we have to put so much intention into finding a romantic love partner. And all the intention comes from the individual unless you search out paid help from a matchmaking service. I’m not endorsing arranged marriage, but at times I really wish my friends would keep an eye out for me and keep me in mind as they go about meeting guys. I’ve been so touched that my friend J. has taken this on to help me find a match.

I’ll be curious to see what the ladies at Try Me have to offer tonight.

The Trouble with Brazilian Men

Nov 04, 2010 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Dating, Travel

Note: I’m going to share some quirkyalone-relevant posts from my ongoing travel blog here. Enjoy! For non-quirkyalone-related travel observations, you can read my blog My Unplanned Adventure.

At first I thought it was just me. My self-esteem had never been so high. On a near daily basis, while I was traveling in Northeastern Brazil, I got compliments on how linda, or beautiful, I am.

But then I started talking to other female travelers. It turns out that every foreign woman is gorgeous in Brazil. The compliments come from women as well as men. It was only slight a letdown, to find out that every other female traveler I talked to was having a similar experience: being told that she was linda, linda, linda.

Now I am back in Rio, though, and almost wistful for those days. I remember Carioca men as being incredibly aggressive, and that’s certainly their reputation. But I have noticed now that there are downpours and droughts. It’s hard to know why men don’ t serenade me any more–maybe I am giving off a jaded, inaccessible vibe now. Maybe I stopped meeting their eyes.

Brazilian men are legendary for their passion and persistence. It’s exciting to feel so wanted, their eyes can be so insistent in a way that North American eyes don’t have the courage to be. But on the other hand, it becomes hard to understand why you want to marry me when we met only fifteen minutes before. Their passion seems so ephemeral, and at times, almost insultingly generic, like they are passionate about any foreign woman.

Being blonde takes the experience to a whole new level. “Being blonde in Brazil means you never have to wear jewelry,” my German, blonde friend Teresa said to me one day, and I knew she had hit the nail on the head–I had stopped bothering with earrings. I have never felt particularly exoticized as a type before.

When I went home to Rhode Island in April, I dyed my hair a slighly darker blonde, verging on brown. Perhaps that’s why they are less drawn to my honey.

I talked to my friend Marcello about the Brazilian penchant for passionate, urgent overtures–he explained that when Brazilian men feel something, and they want to express it, even if the depth of their feeling seems kind of bizarre.

I used to compare San Francisco men to Brazilian men and wish that San Francisco men were more forward, but now that I have seen the flip side, I’ve grown appreciate the subtlety and slowness with which American men say what they are feeling–they say less, but I trust them more.

Then again, my ego is missing the outrageous flattery from Brazilian men now that I am not getting it. What can I say? I want it all! There’s so much that I like about Brazilian men in general: they’re generous–always quick to pour the beer first for everyone else at the table; helpful to a fault; fun; optimistic; funny. Where can I find a passionate, genuine man? More subtle and trustworthy Brazilian men are rumored to exist. Is he here, or in Bali (where Elizabeth Gilbert–and soon in the movie version, Julia Roberts–found her ideal Brazilian lover in Eat Pray Love?)