Quirkyalone

Vulnerability is the key to joy

Dec 10, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Personal Growth, Video

Thanks to my friend Agnes for sharing this video with me. As I coach clients, and myself through my own life, I found two things that struck me in this talk.

1) Shame represents our fear of disconnection. We are ashamed by what we fear will separate us from others; we fear some part of us will be judged unworthy, I have always been fueled by shame in my writing–there is so much juice in our shame that helps us to connect with others when we express what we are ashamed about. My Quirkyalone book (and the quirkyalone movement) come to mind (expressing the shame of persistent singledom) and I have always found shame to be great creative fuel for connection with others. Expressing the charge we feel about our shame can be fuel for connecting in our relationships as well.

2) Vulnerability is the key to feeling more connection and joy. Being willing to be vulnerable and to invest in a relationship when you are not sure of the outcome is one of the characteristics of people who feel worthy of being loved–and feel more joy in their lives.

CONTEST ALERT: If Life is a Game, How Do You Want to Play? Win free coaching with Sasha

Oct 10, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Personal Growth, coaching

Steve Jobs said it best.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma–which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And, most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Do you want support to go after what you want in life? Coaching is a way to help you identify what you want, clear out what’s blocking you, and to go for it. I’m experimenting with a new adventure in coaching. We’re going to create a game based on your own life.

In addition to being a writer and a movement-builder, I’m now a life coach. I call it a turn-on coach. It’s about helping you turn on to your true voice and what makes you feel most alive. As part of this new adventure, I am sponsoring a contest. Three lucky souls who want to grow and support others in their growth will get to play.

CONTEST RULES

What you win: A month of play and coaching. I will choose three people. You will win three individual coaching sessions with me, and we’ll meet as a group in person to co-create a game that helps each person get what he or she wants. This is a commitment of time and energy. You need to be ready to jumpstart your own growth and to supporting others along the way.

Who can enter: Anyone who wants to get unstuck and go for what he or she wants. That could be: a new business, writing, being bold in everyday life, getting over your tired stories, telling people what you want. What you want is as unique as you. If you are fuzzy about what you want, that’s OK. Coaching helps you get clear about what you want.

Who am I?: My name is Sasha Cagen. I’m the founder of the quirkyalone movement and a turn-on coach. It’s all about turning on to what makes you feel most alive, in work, life, and love. I’m highly intuitive and help people tune into what’s authentically true for them. I stand shoulder to shoulder with you as you step over the clutter that’s holding you back. My coach training is led by the talented coach trainers Jeff Jacobson and Mai Vu, who have both served on the faculty of CTI, the largest coach training org in the country.

In addition to being a coach, I’m a writer. I’m the author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics (HarperCollins) and To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us (Simon & Schuster). I started the quirkyalone movement for people who prefer to be single rather than settle, published a nationally award-winning magazine To-Do List, co-founded a street fashion social network StyleMob.com and sold it to Glam Media, and traveled South America alone for sixteen months (read more at http:unplannedadventure.wordpress.com). I love travel, tango, and coaching others tune into what makes them feel most alive.

To learn more about me and my coaching, visit sashacagen.com.

How to enter:
1) Tell me what you want in your life and why you I should choose you.
2) Bonus points for being creative. Make a video and send me a link, send me a series of tweets (@sashacagen #iflifeisagame) or . . .
3) Send communication to sashacagen AT gmail.com.

Entries are due by end of day Monday, October 17.

I’ll announce the winners the following week and we’ll start coaching and creating our game thereafter.

The Power of Admitting You Don’t Have It Figured Out

Aug 15, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Personal Growth, Uncategorized

I am training to be a life coach. It’s an honor to help people go down a path of honesty about what they really want to create in their lives and then help them go for it. I love coaching others. Any coach will tell you that the most important part of the training is the work that you do on yourself. We can only share (and embody) the approaches that resonate with us. So I have been on a wild ride lately, examining my own limiting beliefs, looking more closely at what I want in my life, and even, what is my unique life purpose (I have many thoughts on that whole concept, to be shared in a later post).

A few weeks ago my wonderful peer coach from the program was coaching me on the phone. We were talking about my life (my career; relationships; whether I will have a child). I broke down in tears and said something to the effect of, “I can’t believe I don’t have it all figured out yet.” I have published books and a magazine, started a company, traveled extensively, and despite all that, I sometimes feel like I am at the beginning again with a blank slate. There is so much uncertainty in my life, so many paths that can be taken (or not taken). I get the feeling that from the outside I look strong and sure, but I often feel small and confused. Like a child. Breaking down in tears to my peer coach felt potent and real.

Later that weekend I snuggled on the couch rereading an old favorite book: Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Sacredness and Depth in Everyday Life by Thomas Moore (Harper Collins, 1992). I stumbled on a perfect passage to clarify why admitting that I don’t have it figured out–that I feel like a child–actually felt very pressure-relieving.

Sometimes you hear adults in their thirties and forties say lightheartedly, “I still don’t know what I’m going to be when I grow up.” No matter how lightly this common sentiment is stated, the feeling is full of inferiority. What’s wrong with me? I should be a success by now. I should be making plent of money. I should be settled. But in spite of these wishes, the sense of the child who is not yet ready for success and settling is strong. This recognition can be a soulful moment. It bears a melancholic tone that is a signal of soul reflecting on its fate and wondering about its future. It is a potential opening to imagination, and to some extent this is the power of the child. The child’s smallness and inadequacy is the “open sesame” to a future and to the unfolding of possibility.

Continue Reading →

Jane Fonda Is A Born-Again Quirkyalone

Aug 01, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Movies, Personal Growth

In my book Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics, I describe the two types of quirkyalones: there are womb quirkyalones, who pretty much knew they were quirkyalone since birth, and born-again quirkyalones who have an Aha moment later in life. Read more about the two types in the book to figure out which one you are. Actress, political activist, and fitness guru Jane Fonda talks about her Aha moment as a born-again quirkyalone in the August issue of O.

“I always had a penchant for falling in love. Every time I found myself without a mate, I fell into a state of low-sizzling panic. I was so devastated by my second divorce that I had a nervous breakdown. That was when Ted[Turner, Fonda's third husband] first asked me out. But in January 2000, when Ted and I separated, something felt different.
Right after we decided to part ways, Ted flew me to Atlanta to stay at my daughter Vanessa’s house. She was in Paris, so I spent my first two weeks at her house alone. In the past, I’d always tried to stay busy to avoid hurting, but this time I knew I needed to be still for a while. So I raked leaves in her yard, read, and went for long walks. On my third day there, I was in a tiny bedroom with my golden retriever, Roxy, when suddenly it hit me: I don’t need a man to feel whole. In my marriages, I’d lost part of who I was because I was trying to mold myself into what I thought a man wanted me to be. But in that moment, I felt all those pieces flying back together. . . .
After that nine busy years passed without a relationship. I wasn’t even looking. . . .
At 73 I’m essentially shacking up–and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I recently made two movies; I’m writing; I go away by myself. I have my own life, and Richard doesn’t care that I don’t share every single aspect of it with him. I’m not losing myself in this relationship. I’m bringing myself–the real Jane–and he’s giving me his real self, too. Richard and I have an emotional intimacy I’ve never experienced before, because we’re both coming into this relationship whole. We don’t censor ourselves, or leave what we think may not be good enough outside, on the porch.”

Have you had your own born-again quirkyalone moment? Share in the comments with your fellow qas.

Turned-On Women Get Organized

Apr 13, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Personal Growth, Sex

During my recent Commonwealth Club talk about “The State of Sex and Dating in San Francisco” I met Nicole Daedone, the founder of One Taste, a center dedicated to authentic female sexuality. Nicole and her collaborators have written a “Turned-On Women’s Manifesto” to exhort women to fully express who they are. Among other gems, the manifesto tells us that a turned-on women:

–”will not sacrifice truth in order to be appropriate”
– “knows there is wisdom in darkness”
–”ignites other women. She refuses to deal in the accepted inter-female commerce of one-downmanship, publicly cataloging all the ways her life isn’t going well to make other women feel safe.”
–”knows that if she doesn’t want sex, it’s because she’s not having the right kind of sex. A turned-on woman wants sex that creates energy rather than depletes it. She seeks the slow burn, the kind of sex that heats her up from the inside out, stoking her fire and powering her journey.”
–”operates at the edges of her own capacity at all times. She knows that stormy nights break into the most beautiful sunrises. She believes, she gives, she tries again, and she doesn’t check out. Courage is her middle name.”

The manifesto is long; there are many beautiful lines designed to inspire.

The Turned-On Women’s Movement is hosting a Turned-On Women’s Retreat this weekend, April 15-17. I’ll be attending, and I am quite curious about how turned-on I will be by Sunday. Will I be a live wire?

P.S. Still waiting for the YouTube from the Commonwealth Club talk on sex and dating–the panel discussion was hilarious and true and I am sure many will enjoy it. I will post that when I get it.

Be Grateful for Being Single

Nov 24, 2010 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Personal Growth, Single Life, Travel

The American holiday Thanksgiving is approaching, and with it, millions of families (and urban tribes like mine, pictured above) will gather to gobble down turkey and sweet potatoes with marshmallows baked on top. Many of them will also go around the table to share what they are grateful for in their lives. This ritual has always been my favorite part of Thanksgiving. In a consumer-driven society where we are so often complaining about what’s not quite right with our lives, it feels great to hear people acknowledge their personal abundance.

This year, I have been thinking that I am grateful for still being single, which, honestly is not what I would have said last year. I took this year off to travel and I did the journey alone. I’ve grown in many ways that would not have been possible had I found a lifelong partner before I bought the ticket and made the final decision to go. I’m sure I would be grateful for that person, had we met. But I am also very grateful that I took full advantage of being single this year instead of hanging around San Francisco with the agenda of finding a mate (which honestly, was getting kind of boring–more on that in another post).

So this leads me to thinking about reasons to be grateful for being single this Thanksgiving. This year, let us count the ways. (Add yours in the comments.)

First and foremost, you are alive. Single. Just as you came out of the womb. Being single is the starting point for life, and we will in a sense be single when we pass on. So be grateful for your singular existence now, that you are alive!

The time to discover what makes you happy A relationship can be very time-consuming. When you are single, you have all your free time outside of work and other obligations to discover what brings you joy. Use it and be grateful for it! Being single gives you the opportunity to create more joy in your life without depending on someone else to provide it for you.

Freedom to travel and explore alone I took this year off to travel alone in South America and I’ve had the ability to grow and learn in a way that might or might not have been possible if I had been coupled. (You can still travel alone when you are quirkytogether, but it would be hard to travel alone for a whole year.)

You haven’t settled! No relationship or person will be perfect. But many people are afraid of being single and stay in relationships that are not working in order to avoid the pain of breaking up or being alone. Every person is a little bit wrong, being single means you are free to go out and find someone who is wrong for you in all the right ways.

Finally, total freedom to indulge your secret single behavior Want to pick your toe nails while watching Seinfeld reruns on a Friday night? Eat peas out of a can? No problem, you are single! Embrace your SSB (covered more extensively in Quirkyalone.)

Count your blessings my (single) quirkyalone friends.

Share your reasons for being grateful that you are single at this stage of your life in the comments.