Quirkyalone

The Try Me Report

May 30, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Dating, Single Life

A reader asked for my report on TryMe, a new dating service for frustrated hipsters in San Francisco.

I showed up at Try Me eager to feel the vibe of a new kind of singles’ event. On the plus side, the bar at the Burritt Room was gorgeous. On the negative side, drinks were not free and not cheap. On the plus side again, an organizer introduced me to a cute guy who was fun and genuine and we talked for quite a while. I didn’t have the full, ADD experience of Try Me because I actually spoke to only about five people and two of them for most of the time. Others told me the event had a frenetic feeling as they “tried out” one person after the next.

The organizers announced at one point that we were the “creme de la creme” of the single people in San Francisco. Later I rushed back in the bar because I had forgotten my credit card and the cute bartender asked me if I thought the speech was a little fascist. He said the crowd got more animated after they were told they were the best of the best of single people in San Francisco. I told him that flattery will get you anywhere. We agreed on this point.

Overall I was positive on TryMe just because it was nice to go somewhere where it’s assumed that people are available and interested in dating. In the future I thought that TryMe should drop the marketing message that their invitees are the most desirable single people because it’s a little creepy and snobby and instead just say that everyone was invited for a reason. A few people told me they were stressed out by all the rapid meeting and greeting. To lessen the pressure, I would suggest adding in a few whimsical games. Games can go a long way in creating a fun, less-pressure filled environment.

The Long-Awaited YouTube: State of Sex and Dating in San Francisco

Apr 22, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Events, Sex, Single Life, technology

At long last, here’s the Commonwealth Club’s panel discussion on “The State of Sex and Dating in San Francisco.” I took part and so did three other insightful San Francisco thinkers Ethan Watters (Author, Urban Tribes); Nicole Daedone (Founder, OneTaste; Author, Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm) and N.W. Smith (Contributor, The Bold Italic).

One big theme was the sense of disconnection that people often feel in a big city now that we are all staring into our iPhones on public transportation. The moderator Violet Blue joked that’s how geeks flirt. I miss good old-fashioned eye contact.

After the panel a woman came up to me and told me she wanted to start a movement where people identify themselves as available for human contact and chatting in some way on BART trains (BART is the Bay Area’s subway system). As in wearing a feather, a handkerchief, a button. Something like that.

I’m open to all kinds of ideas because I think random contact with strangers is the most effervescent part of living in a dense area.

Be Grateful for Being Single

Nov 24, 2010 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Personal Growth, Single Life, Travel

The American holiday Thanksgiving is approaching, and with it, millions of families (and urban tribes like mine, pictured above) will gather to gobble down turkey and sweet potatoes with marshmallows baked on top. Many of them will also go around the table to share what they are grateful for in their lives. This ritual has always been my favorite part of Thanksgiving. In a consumer-driven society where we are so often complaining about what’s not quite right with our lives, it feels great to hear people acknowledge their personal abundance.

This year, I have been thinking that I am grateful for still being single, which, honestly is not what I would have said last year. I took this year off to travel and I did the journey alone. I’ve grown in many ways that would not have been possible had I found a lifelong partner before I bought the ticket and made the final decision to go. I’m sure I would be grateful for that person, had we met. But I am also very grateful that I took full advantage of being single this year instead of hanging around San Francisco with the agenda of finding a mate (which honestly, was getting kind of boring–more on that in another post).

So this leads me to thinking about reasons to be grateful for being single this Thanksgiving. This year, let us count the ways. (Add yours in the comments.)

First and foremost, you are alive. Single. Just as you came out of the womb. Being single is the starting point for life, and we will in a sense be single when we pass on. So be grateful for your singular existence now, that you are alive!

The time to discover what makes you happy A relationship can be very time-consuming. When you are single, you have all your free time outside of work and other obligations to discover what brings you joy. Use it and be grateful for it! Being single gives you the opportunity to create more joy in your life without depending on someone else to provide it for you.

Freedom to travel and explore alone I took this year off to travel alone in South America and I’ve had the ability to grow and learn in a way that might or might not have been possible if I had been coupled. (You can still travel alone when you are quirkytogether, but it would be hard to travel alone for a whole year.)

You haven’t settled! No relationship or person will be perfect. But many people are afraid of being single and stay in relationships that are not working in order to avoid the pain of breaking up or being alone. Every person is a little bit wrong, being single means you are free to go out and find someone who is wrong for you in all the right ways.

Finally, total freedom to indulge your secret single behavior Want to pick your toe nails while watching Seinfeld reruns on a Friday night? Eat peas out of a can? No problem, you are single! Embrace your SSB (covered more extensively in Quirkyalone.)

Count your blessings my (single) quirkyalone friends.

Share your reasons for being grateful that you are single at this stage of your life in the comments.

Brazil Travel Writing, Coming Up!

Apr 14, 2010 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Single Life, Travel

A preamble before more posts to come: Hello dear readers! Since mid-January, I have been traveling, or wandering with my intuition and Lonely Planet as a guide, in Brazil in the South, the Northeast, and back to Rio again. About three months remain in my unplanned adventure. I resolved not to write much (publicly) while I was traveling because I wanted to keep my experience private. Something inside me told me that my experience needed to be completely my own, and not turned into a work product for worldwide consumption. The Internet makes us free, but also more constrained when the audience is potentially everyone and the work forever etched into Google’s memory.

Now I’m changing my mind. I want to take the next three months and see what it’s like if I share more of my experience with an online audience. I can’t promise consistency because the lure of experience is so great, who has time to write, edit, proofread, create links, and post photos? Somehow all these other travel bloggers like Sherry Ott and Two Backpackers and many others document their daily adventures. I don’t quite understand where they find the time, but they do. In the interest of adventure and shaking things up, let’s see what happens when I let my thoughts roam beyond my fantastically light little netbook. My writing will probably be less travelogue, and more meditation on the things I’m learning about Brazil and myself. The perspective will be de facto quirkyalone, since it’s just moi, right now, traveling Brazil in search of some transcendent experience–who knows what, at times!? Stay tuned. I look forward to seeing what the journey is like when it’s shared (with you).

Dear Quirkyalone: Send Us Your Questions and Concerns, Compliments and Complaints!

Sep 21, 2009 - Written by Onely  |  Filed under: Personal Growth, Quirkytogether, Single Life

Dear Quirkyalone: Advice for QuirkyLiving is a weekly guest column by Lisa and Christina at the singles’ advocacy blog Onely. Our column appears here every Monday — but we’re running low on questions!

So, dear readers: Do you have dilemmas, conundrums, burning (or mundane) questions about quirkyaloneness and quirkytogetherness? What questions do you have about optimum quirkyliving? What’s come up in your life recently where you could use some advice, a pep talk, or maybe even some tough love? When you’re making up your own road map for (quirky)living, you need thoughtful advice. We’re here for you — and more importantly, we want to HEAR from you!

Please send your questions and concerns, compliments and complaints to: onely AT onely.org

In the meantime, Happy National Singles’ Week! We’re celebrating with a blog crawl sponsored by Single Women Rule — check it out!

– Lisa and Christina

Dear Quirkyalone: Where are all the Quirkyalone men?

Sep 14, 2009 - Written by Onely  |  Filed under: Single Life

“Dear Quirkyalone: Advice for QuirkyLiving” is a weekly guest column by the authors of the brilliant blog Onely. It appears every Monday. When you’re making up your own road map for (quirky)living, you need thoughtful advice. We’re here for you. Quirkyalone and Onely welcome your questions; send them on to onely AT onely.org.

Dear Quirkyalone,

Why are there so many more Quirkyalone women than Quirkyalone men? –Cynthia

Dear Cynthia,

Let me start by saying that the Quirkyalone movement–and the singles’ advocacy movement in general–needs and wants more men. More men! More single men’s blogs! More single men commenting on blogs! More single men writing about, talking about, thinking about, and waving a banner for Quirkyaloneness. The concept of being happily single and not settling is not unique to women.

While not unique t0 women, the experience of being able to hold out for one’s dream man or woman (and being ok if that person never comes) is a relatively new experience for them. For most of this history of the human race, females were usually forced to settle. What choice did they have? They were not fully allowed into the workforce or given control over their own finances, inheritances, birth control, etc. Sometimes they even did more than settle: they connived, competed, and prostrated in order to snag a man, any man, who: wanted them; could feed and clothe them; could care for the children the woman would inevitably conceive. If the woman had luck, she married someone who refrained from abusing her out of his own moral sense, so she didn’t have to rely on the vagaries of a patriarchal law system to protect her.

Continue Reading →