Quirkyalone

Connected, but alone?

Apr 09, 2012 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Solitude, technology

A beautiful TED talk and a very quirkyalone message that I have blogged about too. “Technology (social media) provides the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship.” This talk by MIT professor Sherry Turkle is ultimately an argument that we must build the capacity for solitude in order to have real connection in our lives (to listen to each other and not try to control all communication). Her talk reminded me of this blog post “Zeitgeist Alert: The End of Aloneness?” that I wrote in 2009 in response to this essay by William Deresiewicz “The End of Solitude.” Let’s all become more self-aware about how we use technology. And talk about how to do that!

Old-Fashioned Matchmaking Meets Facebook

Jul 12, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Dating, technology

We’ve all heard success stories of online dating. According to a recent study by Match.com, a sixth of marriages now begin via online dating. If the numbers are so promising, why does online dating feel like an energy suck? As my friend Ario says, “Online dating induces ADD.” With so many people to choose from, online dating encourages a consumer mentality that turns people into products. We are on the hunt for spark. And click, there’s someone hotter, smarter, sexier.

What are the alternatives? I’m partial to the traditional advice. Follow your passions, get out and play: go climbing, go to games night, go on a trip. You are more likely to attract a kindred spirit when you are doing something you love. But let’s say that you’re doing that and it’s not yielding results. What about a little help from your friends?

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Antidotes to Online Dating

May 18, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Dating, Events, technology

My sixth sense tells me there is a movement brewing to provide alternatives to online dating. Ways of meeting other human beings live and in the flesh. Imagine that. Of course we can all meet someone in line at the bakery, but somehow, with the spread of online dating, a certain segment of us have become shy.

Here in tech-obsessed San Francisco online dating has become pervasive. But hardly anyone is satisfied. My friend Klover calls it low-stakes dating. People skip from date to date sampling new options from the huge buffet of fabulous profiles out there. The particular passion for another human being gets lost. While people certainly do find their beloveds online, what other options are available?

Tomorrow night I am going to an event called TryMe, which the founders are billing as an antidote to online dating. They’re private events for “San Francisco’s most awesome and unattached.” In the future, they are planning “big mixers, intimate bourbon tastings, cooking classes, book swaps and hiking adventures.” Beth and her co-founder are hand-picking people personally: “everyone is interesting, ambitious, attractive, and has been hand-selected via trusted friends and personal scouting.” Gosh. I hope that people are open-hearted too. I feel like I am going to an elite event, and hope that people aren’t competitive.As I choose my outfit, I’m nervous about being in a fishbowl where everyone is available and expressly looking. And at the same time, that’s one of the things I want; a place where you know that others are available and want to be in a relationship.

Meanwhile my friend J. has taken it on as her personal mission to matchmake for me and a few of her friends. She is hosting a garden matchmaking party at her home and has been going about her daily life looking for quality men to invite. She’s also networking via Facebook asking friends to suggest good guys for the amazing women in her life. She dropped into a bar one night randomly and shared the idea of her matchmaking party and everyone absolutely LOVED it. As we brainstormed for her garden party, we wondered if men would be interested. I never doubted they would but the reaction that night was confirmation. Men don’t ask women out here very often–we feel something and walk away, great to meet you! Everyone needs a push.

Is the solution a little more help from our friends? We are often hesitant to suggest a match for a friend because we don’t want the responsibility. We don’t want to be wrong. Getting set up has a bad rap. But why should it? I don’t care if a friend gets it wrong. I suppose I could take it personally if I don’t like the guy they suggest. But more than anything else I’m just touched that a friend cares and wants to help.

In our busy, busy lives we can feel like we have to put so much intention into finding a romantic love partner. And all the intention comes from the individual unless you search out paid help from a matchmaking service. I’m not endorsing arranged marriage, but at times I really wish my friends would keep an eye out for me and keep me in mind as they go about meeting guys. I’ve been so touched that my friend J. has taken this on to help me find a match.

I’ll be curious to see what the ladies at Try Me have to offer tonight.

The Long-Awaited YouTube: State of Sex and Dating in San Francisco

Apr 22, 2011 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Events, Sex, Single Life, technology

At long last, here’s the Commonwealth Club’s panel discussion on “The State of Sex and Dating in San Francisco.” I took part and so did three other insightful San Francisco thinkers Ethan Watters (Author, Urban Tribes); Nicole Daedone (Founder, OneTaste; Author, Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm) and N.W. Smith (Contributor, The Bold Italic).

One big theme was the sense of disconnection that people often feel in a big city now that we are all staring into our iPhones on public transportation. The moderator Violet Blue joked that’s how geeks flirt. I miss good old-fashioned eye contact.

After the panel a woman came up to me and told me she wanted to start a movement where people identify themselves as available for human contact and chatting in some way on BART trains (BART is the Bay Area’s subway system). As in wearing a feather, a handkerchief, a button. Something like that.

I’m open to all kinds of ideas because I think random contact with strangers is the most effervescent part of living in a dense area.

Multitasking Dementia

Sep 01, 2009 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Personal Growth, technology

I had no memory of where I parked my car. Why? While I was parking the car, a friend called. Against my better judgment I took the call. I wanted to talk to him, and I found myself so engrossed in the experience of telling him everything that happened with our mutual loved one (who is suffering from cancer) over the last month, that I had apparently no memory of where I parked the car. All I could remember was the sensation of walking over a pedestrian overpass, and looking for the spa, where ironically, I was going to relax.

The theme of the day was multitasking. I blamed multitasking for the incident. I lost my car, but first believed it might be stolen. It’s always fun when those two questions obsessively course through your brain: Did I lose my car or was it stolen? After 30 minutes of scouring for it on foot, I flagged down a cop who amazingly helped me find the car by driving around with me. He was my savior. After thirty more minutes we found it. I gushed, “Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I think he thought I was the most tightly wound woman in San Francisco.

Some defenders call it, “continuous partial attention.” I think they are kidding themselves. Just that morning, I found myself unable to stop emailing while listening to an absolutely riveting KQED Forum radio show about our increasing propensity to text, IM, email, and watch videos while doing everything else. The Stanford study expected “heavy media multitaskers” to have special abilities, but instead, but all they found were deficits in their memory, efficiency, attention, and organizational skills, as compared to non-heavy-media multitaskers. HMMs have the illusion of productivity, but the brain’s switching costs, from emailing to IM to video to writing, are too high. The brain can only process one string of information at once.

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Wanted: Your Dilemmas for a New Advice Column (+ Win a Copy of Quirkyalone!)

Jul 07, 2009 - Written by Sasha Cagen  |  Filed under: Uncategorized, technology

Dilemmas, conundrums, burning (or mundane) questions about quirkyaloneness and quirkytogetherness: We all have them, and we want to hear yours. What questions do you have about optimum quirkyliving? What’s come up in your life recently where you could use some advice, a pep talk, or maybe even some tough love? We’d like to know, because we’re launching a new quirkyalone (or more broadly, quirkyliving) advice column. It will answer everything you ever wanted to know about quirkyliving and were(n’t) afraid to ask. The advice dispensers will be the lovely and talented writers over at one of my favorite blogs Onely.

We’ll be launching the column this month. Send your questions to onely AT onely dot org.

To sweeten the deal we’re sponsoring a contest for the first question askers. Send a question to the Onely ladies and let me know you have done so by leaving a comment on this post “I asked a question for the new quirkyalone advice column.” Leave your comment by Thursday, July 16. I’ll choose one of you at random; you’ll get a signed copy of Quirkyalone.

We’re ready and waiting to pore over your problems, so bring them on!